When people look you in the eye you know they mean what they say (unless they have no shame and they are the best liars in the world!!) and that is always a good thing. I hope I will never get to the point where I would be ashamed to stand tall and look people in the eye. But most importantly of all to never be ashamed to stand in the presence of God, although sometimes my thoughts are not exactly loving and kind! Thank goodness for Grace – not that I use it lightly, but if I admit my failings and try to stop the unloving and unkind thoughts the grace of God is there for me & you.

However that is not what I was going to blog about!! The fact that God knows me inside and out and that it is God who holds me together is the bit that is the important part for me. He knows when I am feeling happy or sad, positive or negative and holds me together in all of the ups and downs of life. A lot of people I know have had a bad start to 2012, mine hasn’t exactly been the best start, but I know that trusting God is the only way for me to keep going even when things happen that you don’t understand or want to happen. It is hard but I know this is the only option..

On Christmas day (again) I heard the 3rd song which I have been singing a lot. Sometimes words become inadequate, because there is too much pain in a situation, or there is a constant going round in circles trying to stop feeling anxious, or fearful and we simply do not know how to pray to get any relief either for other people or ourselves.

Personally I find listening to music helps and when I hear a song with awesome lyrics & music it lifts my soul… This one has helped me in the past 2 weeks many times when I have been praying either for others or myself…many times I find myself not knowing what to say in my prayers, because as I said earlier, words become inadequate, so simply singing to myself God of mercy hear our cry has helped enormously..

God of Mercy

God of mercy hear our cry
Turn your hand tonight
Bring relief from their pain
Be their comfort
And every day theyʼre given breath
Give them strength to live
And as their weary bodies fail
Fighting is over, flesh gives way
Be their light to guide them home
God of mercy hear our cry
Heal their souls tonight

Give them peace from their fears
Be their hope Lord
And every day you give them breath
Give them strength to live
And as their weary bodies fail
Fighting is over, flesh gives way
Be their star to guide them home

Sometimes I donʼt know what to ask for
Sometimes I donʼt know what say
But I know that you are watching over them
Sometimes I donʼt know what to pray for
Sometimes I donʼt know how to give
But I know that You are watching over them
And their life is not vain

God of mercy hear our cry
Turn your hand tonight
Bring relief from their pain
Be their comfort
And every day theyʼre given breath
Give them strength to live
And as their weary bodies fail
Fighting is over, flesh gives way
Be their light to guide them home
Louise Fellingham
Copyright © 2002 Kingswayʼs Thankyou Music/MCPS

I have not been sleeping well since moving to Chester, partly because of the street light outside the house and not having dark enough curtains (and not buying anymore until I move to the permanent house), but partly because there has been significant changes happening at work, cathedral & home that have left me feeling quite unsettled. Mainly positive, but still unsettling. I have been reviewing lots of things that I do or am involved in, some of them long standing and yet I am feeling increasingly strongly that I perhaps need to stop doing them. The only way I know how to really discern what to do is to wait in His presence and yet I don’t do it as often as I know i need. I also know that my strength and refreshment can only come from God but too often I go on in my own strength…A friend sent me a message today and said that there were 5 things he was going to do and I agreed with the last 4… Wait, hope, pray & trust… Will you join us as well?

You give rest to the weary
You bring strength to the weak
As they wait in your presence
There is grace for their need
So Iʼll wait, Iʼll wait
Yes Iʼll wait, Iʼll wait for you
I will say of the Lord “He is my refuge”
I will say of the Lord “He is my strength”
I will say of the Lord “He is my shelter”, my hiding place

You can come in the silence
You can come in the noise
Bringing peace in a moment
Bringing comfort and joy
I will say of the Lord “He is my refuge”
I will say of the Lord “He is my strength”
I will say of the Lord “He is my shelter”, my hiding place

I will come to the source of all creation
I will drink from the well that never dries
I will draw from the one who wonʼt grow tired, the Lord of all

Lou & Nathan Fellingham and busbee
Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music/The Livingstone Collective/ kingswaysongs.com

Today as yesterday is a day of variety, in the morning I started off with morning prayer in St Anselm’s, followed by various conversations throughout the day, leading an Advent vigil and Eucharist for our final service of term and then going back home to catch the end of a carol service in the cathedral where one of my favourite singers was playing!

This morning I am leading morning prayer in St Anselm’s, our midday Eucharist at the University, choral evensong back at the cathedral and then going to hear our choir at Eaton Hall. In between, there will be face to face conversations, emails, texts with various people about various things…

As I was looking at the reading for the Eucharist, service, servant hearted were the two words that were left in my mind… It is the part where Jesus is talking to his disciples about John the Baptist and saying that he was the lowliest, but the greatest! Where some religious people of the day, would not have given him the time of day as he was too inferior for them. I think the day anyone in any form of leadership, clergy included, becomes too arrogant, too full of their own importance and status is the day they need to go from wherever they are in post… Service and being servant hearted has no space for arrogance or status. John the Baptist came to prepare the way, Jesus washed the feet of his disciple, as a disciple of Christ I am called to be of service, to be servant hearted, NOT a slave where I am constantly at the beck and call of others, but rather to be aware of others and what God might be asking me to do for them.

As we all interact with people today, I wonder what our attitude will be, will it be one of help & service or one of I am better than you, I can do this better than you! We all have different gifts, let’s us them for God and not ourselves!

Brokenness has brought me to my knees
Face to face with all that’s dark in me
I can barely see You through my shame
Jesus come and wash me white again

Flood me with Your healing light
Help me choose what’s true and right

Give me an undivided heart
I want to love You with every part
Give me an undivided soul
I want to be Yours alone Yours alone

At the cross I find Your open arms
Reminding me there’s grace for all I’ve done
With Your blood You wipe away my past
Taking on Yourself my sin and scars

By Your power help me change
Break off every single chain

Give me an undivided heart
I want to love You with every part
Give me an undivided soul
I want to be Yours alone Yours alone

You make all things new
So take my ashes and make them something beautiful
Do what only You can do
Take my ashes and make them something beautiful

Give me an undivided heart
I want to love You with every part
Give me an undivided soul

There is a dark side to all of us, a shadow side that we keep hidden away, although sometimes some of us seem to struggle to admit to having one. When we have gone through dark places, struggling with life as too many seem to do, the answer is not to hide from God, or to deflect the hurt and pain so we ignore the real issues. Instead if we choose to grapple with the issue head on, to admit to our real feelings and allow God to start to heal our pain, frustration, anger, we can turn the situation around so that God is the one who is the focus of our lives again and not the problem that is the focus.

The grace & love of God is far greater than the pain, frustration, anger, self pity – believe me I have been there many times in my life and the focus on the negative soon starts to outweigh the positives, and like Peter in Matthew 14: 28-31 we start to sink under our situation… Keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, keeping our heart focused on his love and grace is the most important thing we can do in these times.

I’m not saying it is easy, but we more we practice, the easier it becomes to remember to keep focused, to keep God at the centre of all we do. That way people might be attracted to God rather than be distracted away from God through our lack of love, grace, joy etc.

Just listening to a music track and the following words came up ‘it is about time we lived outside our comfort zone’ and that is where I am right now, nothing I am currently going through is in my comfort zone and while in some part that is exciting, I could do with less uncertainty in some parts of my life…

listening to where God is in all of this is the key to feeling less wobbly, but is always the hardest thing to discern the still small voice in all the noise of life… another track is now on and the words are ‘my hope is in you Lord, for I know that my eyes shall see you, in the latter days to come’ – My hope is in God and for that I will continue to trust and believe in God and in his timing, until things happen, even when like today it has been hard, because He is faithful and wants the best for me and for you! Isn’t that amazing!

I confess I have always been a person who likes to be in control of certain things including when, where & how God is going to be allowed into some areas of my life! I also admit that over the past few years, negativity has been creeping more into my way of thinking… And there have been reasons! But I have had enough of that, Jesus is the Light of the world and I have come to a place where I am wanting him to have more control and giving a more positive outlook on life…

Today I was preaching at Birkenhead school and it was on the passage from Isaiah 61 & John 1! For me the whole thing boiled down to waiting for the right time, the right people and the right conditions…. I am waiting and hope it is the right time, the right people around and the right condition for God to take control of my life and other lives in this city and work through us…